Eve’s husband has been behaving funny in recent times. Confused and at a total loss for what might be responsible, she makes a desperate visit to a Marriage Counsellor in the hope that he might offer an explanation for her husband’s sudden and strange behaviour. Baring her mind before the gentleman, Eve recounts her experience:“Suddenly I can’t get anything right anymore. We argue more and agree less on every issue. He’s always on edge and is irritated by every little thing. He loses his patience with the children at the snap of the fingers. In fact, he has become a pack of nerves. Instead of the usual pat on the back I receive when I make efforts to make him happy, it’s now a barrage of complaints. He complains I’m no longer fashionable. The hair-do that got him attracted to me no longer appeals to him. We no longer engage in late night pillow talks. As a matter of fact, marital intimacy is almost gone as he prefers to spend his spare time with the boys and is no longer interested in us going out as a family. He spends so much time before the mirror and he’s always trying out new clothes. Recently he came home with a freaky-looking haircut that made him look like a delinquent teenager. We’ve been married for fifteen years now and we have always enjoyed a good relationship, that is, until the last ten months when I began to notice these changes in his behaviour. What exactly is going on? Am I on the verge of losing my marriage?”

Eve is not alone in her predicament and if her situation rings a familiar bell to you, then this is it: perhaps your husband is going through mid-life crisis?

It is not just women who go through a mid-life crisis triggered by the onset of menopause; men also suffer their own kind of menopause and mid-life crisis.

During this stage a man will do many things he would never have done before. He’s scared of dying. His friends may be developing illnesses; some of them may have died. He’s afraid. He’s resentful, frustrated and depressed. He feels trapped by his responsibility to provide for his family. He’s locked into a job or career that he no longer enjoys because he must keep the kids in college and repay the loans on the house and car.

If he’s like most men, he may be in responsibility overload: in need of a break from financial responsibilities and the daily demands of work that he’s had virtually since he graduated. He may resent the fact that he cannot make the choices that so many women can as far as choosing whether or not they want to work and at what. He needs a long break from responsibility but he knows that’s impossibility. He feels trapped. And who becomes the target of his emotions? The wife, of course!

It hits him right between the eyes when he suddenly realises that he is getting older. There’s so much he hasn’t done. Time is running out. He can’t keep up this stress of being husband, father and breadwinner! He’s getting older — his hair is thinning, his waist is thickening, his muscles are flabby, his face is wrinkling. He is feeling emotions he’s never felt before. And occasionally he is impotent. He can’t handle it. He doesn’t want to be an old man.

Relationship crisis
All of a sudden there is a crisis in your relationship. It seems like you’re always fighting. Or he just doesn’t act like himself anymore. He doesn’t like his job. He wants to sell the house and get away to some obscure corner of the earth where you won’t bother him. You’re too fat or too thin or too short or too tall. He doesn’t like being home. He wants a swankier car. He changes his hairstyle, starts a diet and joins the local gym. He says his clothes are too old for him. He says you and he have grown apart. He needs time to think about ‘things.’ He wants space. He wants something but he doesn’t know what.

You wonder what has gone wrong. It confuses you. He’s never been like this – always the dependable, responsible and well adjusted guy, he’s suddenly turned into a bully and an unappeasable tyrant.

What now? Should you wait for this crisis to end and for your lives to return to where it was before all this nonsense of mid-life crisis blew it up? Will it happen? He is at a turning point in his life, a normal part of the male maturing process that, should he be successful in navigating, will help him to lead a fuller and more satisfying life. Some men aren’t successful in handling the emotional pain that goes with the aging process. Women know how to express their emotions, whereas men are taught to hold back their emotions to ‘act like a man!’

So what do you do? How do you deal with it?

You need to be aware of what’s happening to your man. Being aware will make you less likely to blame yourself for the things going wrong. There’s not much you can do to help speed up the process of settling down and accepting the problem. He probably doesn’t want to talk about it, nor come clean about his emotions - at least not to you. He is more likely to be looking for a scapegoat to blame it all on and that will be you, in all probability.

You need to understand that what he’s going through is normal and you are not responsible for it. You will have to step back and let him whirl around in his search to find himself. And don’t try to explain his feelings to him. You can’t and he won’t listen.

Darn the holes
It is time to darn those little holes that have suddenly emerged in the marital fabric – most of them during the past couple of years. Understand this that he isn’t deliberately hurting you. He just knows that something is wrong in his life and he’s searching for the answers. Of course it is difficult to smile and be patient while your mind says, “Hey! Am I supposed to be quiet and tolerate his whimsical ways? Smile while he goes on this trip into ‘other woman land’ and grin when he says ‘let’s junk-it-all and sail around-the-world?’ Must I let him go on with his ‘let me prove my youth’ fad?”

You have to understand that he is incapable of handling the crisis that has suddenly attacked him. He didn’t plan on turning unpredictable. It happened to him one morning when he looked in the mirror or in the eyes of the grandchildren and saw himself as an old man. Up to this point, he believed he was a 25-year-old boy.

What can you do?
The crisis will not end in a week or two. It may take a year or more to be resolved. You will need patience to help him cope with the new feelings and emotions that he is facing. You can neither do this for him nor can you demand that he seek counselling or talk the problem through with you. You may suggest it but you cannot demand it. It will do no good.

Again, understand and accept the fact that it is his problem, not your fault. Don’t take on the responsibility for his pain and suffering. Give him space. No matter how insecure you’re feeling, don’t cling, berate, belittle or push him. If he wants more time than usual to be by himself or with his golf buddies, don’t complain about how little time he’s spending with you. He’s trying to think his problems through and he’ll find a way regardless of what you say or do.

Now is the time you must try and become independent. You must take responsibility for yourself and your happiness without depending on him for the closeness and intimacy that he probably is unable to give right now. Plan things without him! Learn to depend on yourself, not him.

Allow him to do the same. Do things on your own or with friends. Make a life for yourself without waiting for him to participate.

He may refuse to seek counselling but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t, in order to cope with your feelings during this difficult time. Continue to treat him kindly. This may sound like a silly statement, but your confusion and resentment about his current situation may cause you to “male bash.” ‘Dumb men’ jokes may seem funny to you at the time, but they will be painful and hurtful to a man in a crisis.

Reaffirm your love for him, your desire for him and your attraction to him.
Tell him and show him that he is the most important person in your life. Do it without smothering, clinging or demanding that he reciprocate.

If you demand that he straighten up, stop his erratic behaviour and return to being the person you’re most comfortable with, you’ll be making a mistake. If you nag and whine, you’ll be making a mistake. If you think you can make the choices for him or tell him what he should do to feel better or get his life in order, you’ll be making a mistake. If you make idle threats about what you will do if he doesn’t change, you’ll be making a mistake.

You are not to blame for the feelings that are guiding his life at this time. However, your actions will influence the choices he makes.

As hard as it might be to stand back and watch him go into self-destruct mode that is the role you will have to play.

What you want is to know how to survive his mid-life crisis. Here are some suggestions.

Don’t give way
People facing a mid-life crisis are often overwhelmed by fear. Everything they once relied on — both physical and emotional resources seem ready to collapse. The tendency is to panic. If these words describe your feelings, relax. What you are experiencing is both normal and temporary. Not only will you see a brighter day, you will emerge a better person.

Don’t give in
With panic often come thoughts of seeking escape. People in such a situation try to flee from their problems and sometimes seek solace in extramarital affairs. But such stop-gap measures, while providing temporary relief, will eventually cause much grief. You should feel free to make changes in your life. Just be sure to change in ways that are consistent with your values.

Don’t give up

Finally, those facing a mid-life crisis describe themselves as trapped in a dark tunnel with no light at the end. They wonder ‘why keep crawling toward the end if, one, we aren’t sure in which direction the end lies; and, two, we don’t know if there will be light there when we arrive?’ This is where faith comes in. At this stage, reaffirm your faith in your principles, even when your destination is not clear. You will see the sun again, quite possibly in a richness and splendour unnoticed earlier. Coping with mid-life crisis is not easy, but it’s not impossible either.

Some excerpts from “Living” an article published in the Deccan Herald of Friday, July 30, 2004

I believe that God would have whispered something to you through this article.
I will be glad to hear of what God is doing in your marriage and/or business.

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