Dr. Gary Smalley

Every wife needs to ask herself these searching questions:

One of the roots of most modern day marital problems is distraction. For most women it is this distraction that results in the struggle to get their husband’s attention as it was during courtship. I found this article culled from Gary Smalley Ministry quiet informative and inspiring. I believe it will help you to understand the problems you are facing a little better and to work around the solution in Jesus name.

Every wife needs to ask herself these searching questions:

"Why would my husband want to spend more time with me?"
"Would I even want to spend more time with me?"
"What can I do to make myself more attractive?"
"What can I do to become more attractive to my husband?"
"How can I become more attractive than his other interests?"

The first step in competing for your husband's attention is to make yourself more interesting and attractive. For example, one woman deeply resented being second to other people and her husband's job. After harboring resentment for several years, she finally began to understand why he preferred the company of others. During one particularly miserable trip, she had been moody and grouchy most of the time because her husband had been busy with other people. After giving it a great deal of thought, she realized that her husband didn't want to spend time with her because the things she enjoyed simply weren't interesting to him (visiting dress shops, jewelry stores, etc.). After that wretched vacation, she determined to make herself more appealing and fascinating.

So while her husband took an extended trip, she decided to make some drastic personal changes. She lost weight, changed her hairstyle, and purchased a few fashionable outfits. But most importantly, she began to change some of her attitudes. She made a special effort to work on qualities of inner beauty. When her husband sighted her waiting at the airport after his trip, he said he honestly wondered, Who's the beautiful blonde in the sunglasses? He couldn't believe the new difference. He not only began to spend more time with his "new" wife, but he became more alert in areas where he had never shown sensitivity whatsoever.

When your husband comes home from work each night, how do you look? Is your hair fixed up? How about your clothes? When he goes into the kitchen or dining room to eat dinner, is the table setting attractive and neat? Do you fix some of the food he really likes the way he likes it? In every area of your life, discover how you can be so attractive that he would rather be with you than anyone or anything else. (Remember, this effort is not just for your benefit; it is for his, too, in all his relationships, especially with your children.)

Giving admiration or respect is the second step in competing for your husband. He hungers for sincere admiration and respect, and he will gravitate towards those who admire him, his personality, or his talents. This need for admiration motivates men to spend time on committees, run for political offices, and enter various competitive sports. In fact, many men compete in strenuous events just to receive the trophy—the tangible symbol of accomplishment.

The third step in competing for his attention requires that you show more interest in his life than anyone else does—more than his friends, his colleagues at the office, or any of his associates. Imagine the impact on your relationship if you gave your husband a daily dose of genuine interest. He would probably leave friends and work early to get home to you. Don't laugh! It's possible.

I remember a young woman who came to my office emotionally broken and distraught after her husband had told her he had been seeing another woman. He was planning to leave, although he would stay until their baby was born. When he told her, she became hysterical. She said, "As I thought about losing him, I was so upset that my very reaction repulsed him. I'm sure that even my facial expression communicated an intolerable ugliness to him."

The remaining weeks would be a priceless commodity. I told her to use every available moment to compete with the other woman. She did just that. She recalled some of his favorite meals and fixed them. She jotted down his interests and began centering her conversations around them. Giving attention to her appearance, she tried to look her best each evening when he came home from work. And above all, she never demanded that he remain at home, although she knew he was probably going out to be with the other woman. She became more fluent in her admiration of him and began to do little things she thought would mean a lot to him. At first he resisted her efforts, telling her she was wasting her time. But she persisted.

Within three months, her husband had quit seeing the other woman because of the changes he saw in his wife. He said he saw a beauty in her he had never seen before, the inner beauty she had worked so hard to develop. Her strong interest in her husband, plus sensitivity to his needs, had overcome anything the other woman could offer.

I believe that God would have whispered something to you through this article.

I will be glad to hear of what God is doing in your marriage and/or business. Please send your testimonies and prayer request to

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